Peace..You gotta protect it !

For someone who battles with mental health, these past few months I don’t really know what’s happened but I’ve been able to cope with a lot of things, I’m talking like..my coping strategies have been phenomenal. I’m so proud of myself, I’m patting myself on the back, you’re mad if you think I ain’t. So what? I’m supposed to wait for somebody else to do it? Bonkers. A lot has been happening in my life, I signed my basketball contract late July/August which felt late to me because I thought I would of had that part of my life squared away before that. That was kind of tough to deal with. The waiting game is a wild one, waiting for the invisible forces to work and do their thing and then kind of wait to find out how it plays out, whether you are the right fit for the team that wants you, there’s just so much you don’t know.

I left the UK and went to Switzerland, for a year in Glasgow before that I was depressed AF! I hated my life, hated basketball, hated where I lived, couldn’t believe where I was, felt lost in my career, literally felt as if I was in a shark tank that was just floating but was also getting smaller and smaller just smothering me with nowhere to go...was horrible man. Nobody should feel like that for a day, never mind several months. I’m just thankful for the commonwealth games in Australia, it gave me a chance to breathe, to spread my wings, felt like my feet were finally on the round again and I wasn’t just floating through space. Funny I say that though because it took damn near 24 hours of flying through the air to the opposite side of the globe for me to feel like I was on the ground again. Life is funny like that sometimes, I’ll say that. I’ve developed this method to deal and cope with things. It’s this white box mentality, I’ve told a few of my people about this, they have their own sh*t that they’re going through and have seen how positive and driven I’ve been and wanted to know how. I’m all for helping people, I been helping people for years when my own life has internally been crumbling, still been fake smiling, still giving advice, still selfless....part of it helped me forget about my own saga somewhat.

Anyway let me fill you in on this white box, you see this white box...it’s fuck*ng sick! It’s got one entrance, a door that opens itself, you put your negative sh*t in there, it closes its damn self THEN it opens out the other end into space...can’t be retrieved, can’t get that thought back. The box is always there in my mind, ready for when I want to start self sabotaging and start my mental bullshit to send me into a madness. What’s sick is, the box never gets full, it’s impossible. I’ve literally been sitting down and had an anxiety attack, bombarded with crazy thoughts and ideas and they all go into the box before I can dwell on them and let them process, into the box they go and out into unretrievable space. I’ve sat there and done this repeatedly for 10 minutes, staring into space. It helped so much, it’s just a process I made up to help me protect my own peace.

We rarely talk about protecting our own peace, it’s understandable though because it’s hard enough to acquire peace to begin with, so I don’t understand why we don’t talk about what to do when we finally get some. We gotta protect that shit like our lives depend on it because it does. One thing I do know is, you don’t go from 0-100 in the peace scale. Your life isn’t a madness at 10pm on a Tuesday night and then you’re a monk by 8am Wednesday morning, it doesn’t work like that. It’s a journey, I used to think one day the switch would just go off and I’d have it, I’d be content, I’d be peaceful, I’d be happy...but nothing in life is like that, damn sure hasn’t worked like that with my basketball skills so really believing anything else would be different is nuts. If you have slightly more peace than you did yesterday, protect it! Build on it and keep working from there, it’s a journey but making a conscious effort to protect it is super important. I hope that my white box method can help you filter out the negative vibes. I don’t even know if you’ve made it this far, I might just be writing for the sake of writing now, idgaf to be honest, but if you are still with me I appreciate you and blessings are coming your way. You ain’t alone, I’m in this rollercoaster with you still, we’re at the front of this sh*t and we’re holding on...eventually we’ll get to the point where we’re like those rollercoaster fanatics that are at the front of the coaster, hands in the air, smiling and excited and enjoying the ride. We gotta protect our peace though, that’s how we’re going to get there, trust me!

Another thing….

DON’T LET YOUR CLOSE PEOPLE FUCK UP YOUR PEACE! BE SELFISH, JUST BECAUSE THEY ARE TOUR CLOSE PEOPLE DOESN’T GIVE THEM THE RIGHT TO SABOTAGE YOU’RE SANITY AND ZEN BECAUSE THEY ARE GOING THOUGH A MADNESS! ITS NOT OKAY TO UNLOAD ALL THE TIME!

I’m just saying... Take care of your star player, if you’re not feeling strong to where you can handle other people’s burdens, then don’t...2 people broken isn’t better than one...you have to be solid before you’re doing piggy backs, get yourself right!

I’m outttttttt

-Kay